The best way I can describe my reaction to the online exhibition is for you (lucky you) to picture me masturbating and getting on fine, omw On my way!, then having Steve Jobs’ face intrude on my wank-bank/vibrator-later imaginary. Everything comes to a stop. I don’t come at all. I’m bored, and my hands dry.

Lesstart with the, er, listicle exhibition curation. I never make it to the 22nd Reason You Should Eat Kale Every Day. Here, that’s not only boring, but it’s unfair to the artssss, especially whichever is lowest on the page. did not see that. not sorry either. And like, the page has THAT truncated web design that shifts your focus as you scroll down, which stillllll did not justify the listicle structure. The default online graphic design made me cringe, too. my flatmate chose a very eloquent critical descriptor, actually. he called it ‘naff.’

Hmpf. Not all the work pegged down the page is bad - Erica Scourti’s deadpan Ad accusations are genuinely interesting, and Ann Hirsch’s mania in delivering the camwhore vocab lesson made me sit up straighter - but I can’t stomach this Apple Advert, ‘Her’ Aesthetic that frames the site. This means I especially have problems with Metahaven’s City Rising, and Elstran Bros’ Love Letter. The latter almost had me compelled in its datamoshing vertigo… until the < b r > to RL hands and the i am human and i #need #to #be #loved final sequence. My City Rising dislikes: the bokeh that I gushed over in my aged 12 deviantart days, the camera panning, the awkward shot of the girl at the beginning, the jarg messaging that brackets the essay, and the coloured smoke at the end.

I’m picking at the aesthetic - City Rising’s essay audio is good but god, I’d rather just have read it myself - and I’m wondering (and hoping and doubting) there’s a deliberate irony to it ALL, one built into the website itself, admitted by Metahaven, employed by Elstran Bros… because if this discourse on ‘affective disturbance and affective production through the Internet’ is supposed to leave my hands dry, if it is all a deliberate cock-block, then GOOD, bravo, and i, er, take it ALL BACK xxx lol