i might die hahaha


I had a really strange day yesterday, and I want to write about it quickly because I need to get back to writing The Book but yeah, wow, I need to get this out of my system first.

Got covid January 2021, it was bad ->

In a standing test in January 2022 for suspected POTS, my heart rate went from 89 to 123 after 15 minutes of standing = 34bpm rise = Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome confirmed (has to go up by a minimum of 30) ->

for the rest of 2022, I took 2.5mg beta blockers and came back to life ->

In March 2023, I got covid a second time and my health went back to black ->

In a standing test in September 2023, my heart rate went from 90 to 157 = 67bmp rise. 67!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWICE AS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ->

AHHHHHHHHHH. I am so bummed out. I have been telling everyone how much worse I am since getting Covid a second time but I have actual empirical, depressing evidence that I am twice as bad. And I can FEEL it. I can feel it in how hard it is to move — how, when I do move, when I go somewhere, when I do something, when I see someone, when I have a meeting, or wash the dishes, or shower, or clean the litter tray, I feel terrible afterwards for having done anything other than rest. The nurse said a 29 year old should not have a heartrate of 157 simply for standing up and I was like, THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING.

But what I need to spit out of me before I go back to the book is this:


Will my heart just GIVE OUT?

Because How much worse can my heart GET

I have had moments over the past almost 3 years of Long Covid where people I thought were normal and nice have told me to stop being so dramatic. But like… these sentences, the caps lock, the tears, and the ‘bad news’ messages I had to give family yesterday, kinda feels appropriate???? what with these LITERAL NUMBERS. I was only supposed to have a standing test yesterday but the nurse panicked at the results and I had to wait to speak to a doctor, who referred me to cardiology and doubled my beta blocker dose on the spot. And I’m like, cool, okay, nice, I hope 5mg means I can feel less burnt out every single day, but WHAT CAN I EVEN DO IF I GET MORE ENERGY, BECAUSE now I have to MASSIVELY avoid getting covid again INCASE I DIE hahaha

if you are sick, please don’t come near me. I might die

If you see me in a mask, don’t ask why. I might die

If you’ve stopped wearing them in busy public spaces, maybeeeee consider wearing them again becauseeee I might dieeeeee

If you see me pushing Patreon and Ko-fi and Paypal support, because I can’t do all the teaching work and speaking gigs I used to do to earn a living, allow it, because I might die !

I don’t want to die. Haven’t even finished writing The Book. Haven’t been to Chile yet, haven’t been to Japan. I love my boyfriend a lot and I love hanging out with him, I want to do more of that?? I want to write more things that people enjoy. And even if I don’t literally die, I don’t want to live life in a body that is so difficult to inhabit. I would like to do this writing and this travelling and this loving without my body ruining the moment. I am so over covid. 67bmp rise. I got sick in January 2021. jesus, it’s just not right

anyway, back to writing the book